


Girl Crush

by GoldBeau (RaneBeau), RaneBeau



Series: LHLNZ Series [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom Louis, Character Death, Drunk Sex, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Gotta Go Fast, High School, Implied Mpreg, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Lipstick & Lip Gloss, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Meet-Cute, Mpreg, No Smut, Perfume, Protectiveness, Soft Louis Tomlinson, Song: Girl Crush (Harry Styles), Song: Watermelon Sugar (Harry Styles), Stalking, Top Harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26172793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaneBeau/pseuds/GoldBeau, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaneBeau/pseuds/RaneBeau
Summary: Louis couldn't stop. It was like a trainwreck, he couldn't look away and he couldn't get control. He needed to be Sabrina.Sabrina got to kiss Harry. She was beautiful. He was nothing like her.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Original Female Character(s), Niall Horan/Original Female Character(s), Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Series: LHLNZ Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1900651
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	Girl Crush

Louis couldn’t stop staring. He had tried so hard, but he just couldn’t. She was beautiful. Her blonde hair literally looked like strands of sunshine in the August sun. She looked like she walked out of a magazine. The light freckles, the blue eyes, and pink lips. 

“You’re staring again.” 

Louis tried to glance over at his best friend, but he couldn’t stop staring, “I know. It’s like if trainwrecks were unimaginably beautiful...” 

Emma rolled her eyes. Louis had been staring at Sabrina for the entire lunch period. He was the gayest little twink imaginable, but he’d managed to get a crush on one of the most popular girls in school. There was no way she’d ever even look his way. There was a rumor going around that she had a boyfriend from another school. 

Louis wasn’t even sure how it happened. He just saw her one day kissing some guy. He was tall and thin like a piece of taffy stretched thin, but it worked for him. He was muscular and fit. His hair was long and curly. Louis barely even noticed all of that though. He mostly noticed the man’s lips. 

They were tangled at them. His hands were holding her close, but she was just holding his face drawing him closer. Louis had seen her at school the next day and wanted to kiss her too. He’d had Emma ask her what lip gloss she used. He’d been wearing the same one ever since. Watermelon Sugar by High Cosmetics. His mother had looked at him like he was insane when he bought four little tubes. 

Louis barely had time to react when she started walking toward them. She smiled kindly, but nothing ever good came from a senior paying attention to a lowly sophomore. Emma started slapping him. He pushed her hand away and tried to throw on a casual smile. He wondered briefly if she’d let him smell her hair. 

“Hi.” She started standing across the table from them. “I saw you watching me and I was wondering if you guys would like to join me and a couple of friends for lunch. My treat.” 

“N-”

Louis cut Emma off, “We would love that!”

Sabrina smiled and beckoned them to follow her. Louis quickly gathered his things not even bothering to stuff them in his backpack before he followed her like a puppy on a string. Emma grunted softly, but followed along as well. She zipped the boys backpack and took half of his stuff as they walked. She was never going to not be taking care of the boy, she had already resigned herself. 

They walked into a nice cafe and found a group of four people already sitting at a table with more chairs surrounding it. Louis nearly stopped in his tracks when he saw that the boy was sitting there waiting. He smiled so wide when he saw his girlfriend. He looked so in love that it ached in Louis’ chest. 

“Harry, Zayn, Liam, Josh this is Louis and Emma. They go to my school too. I think Emma is older, but Louis had been on my block since he was in kindergarten. Grown up a bit since then hasn’t he?” The man in question nearly fainted with all those eyes staring at him. 

The three of them sat down. Louis tried not to stare, but his eyes followed Sabrina’s every move. He was such a creep. Maybe he should dye his hair blonde. 

“I’m Emma. I’m actually just sixteen, only a year older than Lou. He’s a bit of a genius. Academically anyways.” 

Emma’s smile was always the focal point of her face. It stretched too wide for her high cheekbones and thin eyes, but she loved it. She spent all her allowance on whitening toothpaste and the perfect lip colors. She drew on every bit of power her smile held to draw attention from her best friend’s cringe worthy obsession with the blonde. 

To her credit, Sabrina seemed to handle it gracefully. She seemed to think that Louis was just a younger boy with a crush that was too shy to actually talk to her. If she had more pictures on her facebook, the boy would have a shrine. Emma watched her interact with her boyfriend and the way Louis watched trying to imitate the position of her hands without even thinking and realized something. She watched her best friend’s face curiously. 

“I get it now.” 

The table went silent and everyone turned to look at her. She blushed bright red and smiled to distract them from her weirdness. Louis has a girl crush, she thought with an internal smirk. She grabbed Louis’ arm and pulled him up from the table. 

“Excuse us. I think I solved the last problem on our homework. Don’t let us distract you.” She lied. 

“Oh, you’re no bother at all. Take your time. We’re excited to get to know you.” The puppy looking one said with a hesitant smile. 

Emma pulled the boy away from the table to a nearby booth out of earshot. She had to turn Louis’ head so he would focus on her instead of watching Harry and Sabrina laugh at something Harry had said. His blue eyes seemed just so fascinated it reinforced her idea. 

“What is the answer to that last problem?” He asked with a frown. 

“I didn’t figure out the last question. I figured out this obsession with Sabrina!” 

Louis’ head snapped back to his best friend with rapt attention. He had been wracking his brain trying to figure out why seeing them kiss had triggered such a reaction and he couldn’t think of anything. He had never been attracted to a girl, but he’d never been attracted to a guy either. He was starting to think he was asexual when he’d stumbled on their kissing spot. 

“It’s a girl crush!” She exclaimed proudly. 

“What? That makes no sense. I don’t have a crush on her, it’s like I want to be her.” Louis responded. 

“Exactly! A girl crush is when you obsess over someone because you like who they’re with. You have a crush on her boyfriend.” 

Louis stood up sharply, “I’m not gay Emma.” 

“Lou-” 

“No. You’re wrong.” 

The boy cast one more look at the couple before storming out of the cafe without another word. Emma walked back to the table and grabbed their stuff. Sabrina frowned in concern. The younger just waved goodbye leaving behind Louis with his stuff. 

They walked all the way back to their houses that stood side by side before Louis even looked at her. His blue eyes were blurry with unshed tears. He grabbed his stuff from her hands and gave her a small smile. He didn’t say goodbye. He just walked into his house as fast as he could. 

Louis forgave Emma pretty quick. She still didn’t think she was wrong and he still didn’t think she was right so they just dropped it. The boy tried not to think about Sabrina. He’d gone to the store with his mom and tried every perfume until he found one that smelled close to the one she used. He sprayed it on his pillow and dreamed of the two of them. They were kissing in his bed until he turned into her. He woke up in shock. Since then he’d locked away everything that even slightly reminded him of her and avoided her in the hallways. 

Emma noticed, but didn’t say anything. He wasn’t the type to fight. He’d just add her to the list of people to ignore forever. She had been his best friend since they ended up in the same fourth grade class. She wasn’t risking that over a theory and assumptions. Slowly they forgot about her. Slowly they forgot about all of it. 

-

Louis couldn’t freaking believe it. He was late! He woke up an hour early. Emma got him up again ten minutes after that when he fell back asleep. He’d ate a good breakfast. All of his stuff had been laid out already. All he had to do was put on his clothes and walk out the freaking door. How was it even possible he was late? 

It probably had to do with falling asleep at five in the morning after reading the best book in the world. Real Life Sucks. It was by some eclectic author that suffered a stroke and stopped writing to live quietly with his husband. When he’d finished reading the book he’d found an interview. Turned out the author had two little boys. He’d then fallen down a rabbit hole of videos about kids. Ever since he’d found out that he was a carrier he’d been a little obsessed. It wasn’t helping his work performance at all. 

He didn’t have time to stop for coffee, but he ran by the cafe to tell Dan that Emma would be late as well. He waved through the window before sending the man a text. The line was so long it would be absolutely impossible to make it through. Once the text was sent he was back on his way. 

He had to run the last few blocks to the publishing company. He could see the glass doors, he could almost reach out and touch them when a body slammed into his. He folded in half with pain as he rubbed his burning nose. A punch in the gut and being wacked in the nose really set the cherry on top of his morning. 

He looked up to see probably the most gorgeous man he’d ever seen. He had gleaming green eyes and beautifully tousled brown curls. Louis had come to accept that sometimes, maybe, he’d have a singular thought about a man. It had only happened three times and he was great at keeping it under control. Okay, maybe a few more, but he still had it under control! 

“Oh, wow! I remember you.” The man said with a smile. 

Louis looked at his face again to see if he knew the man making him even more late for work. His features didn’t ring any bells. If he had met Louis after high school then there was no way Louis would remember him. He’d been working as a grocery store clerk, delivery driver, and a random night shift or two for his father’s warehouse. He’d only left his home town for London in the past year. He was supposed to start college, but Emma was going first so they could both help with the tuition and living expenses. It was the main reason he- 

“Oh my god. I am so late for work.” Louis gave a weird strangled laugh and tried to move around the stranger. 

He grabbed his arm, “You’re Louis. Sabrina told me about you. You followed her everywhere and even started wearing her lip gloss. She used to love to tell me stories about you, but then you just disappeared. How old are you now?” 

“I’m twenty.” 

Louis hadn’t heard the name Sabrina in a long time. He had nearly forgotten the entirety of sophomore year. It was just too mortifying. Now that he was thinking of that name and staring at the man’s face he did recognize him. Sabrina’s boyfriend. 

“Wow you grew up so well!” He smiled wide. “Do you remember me? I’m Harry, I was her boyfriend.” 

Louis brushed his light grip off his arm and walked away. His face was burning and his eyes felt itchy as he walked into his new job. The lady at the door gave him a weird look as he asked to see whoever it was handling his first day. 

“Sweetie, your shift doesn’t even start for an hour.” She told him. 

He looked at the clock. His phone clock was right. He opened the calendar where he’d marked the shift. He groaned when he realized that he must have marked it down wrong. At least now he could get some coffee. He waved awkwardly and left again. He wanted to weap. 

Instead he called Emma. She had been laying on the couch rushing to finish a paper when he’d left. She was pretty good about finishing quick, but if she wasn’t at the cafe she worked at then he was just going somewhere closer. When she didn’t answer he took the hint and walked to a cafe less than five minutes from his new job. 

It was a little more high end than he usually got. It made Louis excited to try their coffee. The higher end places had more bitter coffee with a deeper flavor and less sugar than their cheaper counterparts in his old town. He hadn’t gotten anything more expensive than a one dollar plain coffee in a long time. 

“Don’t get the almond milk.” 

Louis jumped out of his skin at the voice in his ear. He spun around to see Harry looking guilty. Harry had pulled off his jumper revealing a toned chest wrapped in a white shirt that probably had to be sown on around him. The younger man tried really hard to look anywhere but his abs. He was even more tall than high school, but he had gained a lot of muscle. He wasn’t a lanky senior anymore. 

“Why would I get the almond milk?” Louis asked softly.

Harry smiled, “Because no one drinks oat milk unless they have to.” 

“What’s wrong with regular milk?” 

Louis watched Harry’s face as he went on a rant about the drawbacks of the dairy industry and how they exploit helpless cows. He seemed really passionate about cows. They walked together to the counter. When it was Louis’ turn to order he watched the younger with rapt attention. Louis ordered an oat milk latte looking to the older for approval. He seemed pleased so Louis smiled and put the little bit of change he had in the tip jar. 

Harry continued to follow him when he chose a table and sat down across from him. Louis felt so awkward. He wondered what Sabrina looked like. If she wore the same lip gloss or if she wore lipstick now. 

“So, how is it?” Harry asked. 

Louis took a sip and nodded, “It tastes like that one ‘Bean House’ from back home. I didn’t get oat milk though.” 

“How long have you been away from Donny?” 

“Emma and I moved after graduation. I took the summer to work and make some more money before we settled on a place. She’s going to college to be an engineer. Emma is a genius. I’m helping her pay for it and then she’ll help me pay when she’s done.” Louis smiled at the thought of his best friend. 

“She’d be twenty one now right? I remember you said five years about that you were fifteen and sixteen.” 

“You really remember a lot…” Louis laughed awkwardly. 

“Of course. I have a near perfect memory with sound. That's why I got into music. I’m a producer now.” 

Louis stopped smiling and stared at him. He had hair down to his shoulders in long soft brown curls. He was wearing a white T-Shirt and a pair of tight jeans with brown boots. He was holding a brown jumper too. He didn’t look like a producer. He looked like the people who beg producers to come to open mike night and then sing Wonderwall by Oasis. 

“That’s amazing.” He replied seriously. 

“It’s honestly a dream come true. While you’re waiting for college what are you going to do? You said you were late for work, but then you came here so…” 

“I start my new job at WDA Publishing company today. I messed up the times and showed up an hour early thinking I was running behind.” 

“That’s amazing! Do you want to publish or do you want to be a writer eventually?” 

“No. Actually, I want to be a editor. I am just an assistant now so I have to work up to it. What recording studio do you work at?” 

“I actually-” 

Harry’s phone rang cutting him off. He apologized with a laugh and picked it up still watching the younger sip at his latte. He said hello and talked casually with the other person while Louis tried to pretend he wasn’t listening. 

Suddenly he gave Louis a wink stopping his heart, “So, you’ll never guess who I ran into on my way in. Do you remember Louis? You used to talk about him all the time.” 

Louis shook his head with wide eyes. There was only one person that could be. Harry put a warm hand on his engulfing it completely. Louis couldn’t breathe. The rest of his body turned freezing as his whole mind focused on the heat of that hand on his. 

“Yeah I just happened to run into him. Of course. He’s still adorable as ever! Okay, I’ll ask him.” Harry tapped his hand, “Sabrina wants to know if you and Emma want to come to a cookout tomorrow.” 

Louis nodded like a puppet being controlled by strings, “Sure. I’ll ask Emma.” 

“You’ll need my number to tell you the code when you get to our house.” 

Louis nodded sharp and awkward. He held out his phone and watched the man take it. It was a ratty android that looked like a piece of total junk next to Harry’s new IPhone. The man’s hand could cover the phone three times over, but he didn’t mention it as he typed in his number. He sent himself a text from the phone and then sent one back before handing the phone back. Louis read the texts and saw that he’d written ‘Hello’ and then replied ‘You look beautiful today’ back. 

“Talking to yourself?” He asked with a little smile. 

“No, talking to you.” Harry laughed, “You really did grow up to be a beautiful man. You were an adorable kid, but I hardly recognized you.” 

Louis blushed deeply looking away. He was too old to cover his face like a child, but he definitely wanted to hide away. Harry thought he was beautiful? He mentally went down a checklist of all the things he had in common with Sabrina. He had dull brown hair that refused to thicken or be styled not long blonde hair that glimmered in the sun. His eyes were blue too, but her's were like the sky while his were closer to a flat color. He didn’t smell like he bottled summer or have lips that were effortlessly plump. They were nothing alike. He was probably just trying to make him feel better. 

“Thank you Harry. I really should be going to work now.” He said standing slowly, “Thank you for waiting with me.” 

“It really was an honor. I am happy we could reconnect after all this time.” 

When Louis’ shift as WDA was over he walked home holding his phone tightly. He had an unread text from the contact named Harry From High School with a sparkle at the end. He wanted to read it, but he needed to talk to Emma first. His shift was nearly eleven hours so she would be home from school waiting for him, probably with a warm cooked meal that he would need desperately to make it through the upcoming conversation. 

He had shut every trace of that couple out of his mind for a reason. He could feel his father’s anger just thinking about it. He wasn’t allowed to be gay. It was the only rule he’d ever been given. He was to marry a woman and have children one way or another. There were plenty of D-Women that had the capability to impregnate a male carrier, but he hadn’t liked a single one that his father had introduced him to. He hadn’t liked a single woman his father had introduced him to. Period. After the last time his father had caught him dressing up in women’s clothes wearing Sabrina’s watermelon lip gloss he’d learnt his lesson. The word gay and the name Tomlinson didn’t belong in the same hemisphere let alone sentence. 

His crush had obviously been on Sabrina. There was no way that he’d spent all that time just thinking about her if his affection was on someone else entirely. Emma stopped talking about it too. That was the agreement. Louis really didn’t want to be the one to open that door, but he was thinking that he had to. He couldn’t just drag Emma to their house if he didn’t, could he? 

The woman could tell something was wrong the minute he walked in the door. He set his messenger bag down quietly and sat on the couch without his usual greeting. She sat down next to him and pulled him close in a hug. 

“Do you remember Sabrina? And Harry, her boyfriend?” He asked carefully. 

Emma’s grip tightened for a second, “I remember that some things were said and that was the closest we’ve ever gone to almost not being friends. That was five years ago, why are you bringing it up now?” 

“I ran into Harry on my way to work. He invited us to his and Sabrina’s house for dinner tomorrow.” 

“He and Sabrina are still going strong then?” 

“I guess. We didn’t really talk about that. We just talked about work and cows and stuff.” 

Emma held him at arms length to look at his face inquisitively, “Are you serious?” 

“Yeah, he told me that I shouldn’t drink cow milk. He also told me that the cafe close to my work has terrible tasting almond milk. I had an oat milk latte. It was good.” 

“You were obsessed with this man and his girlfriend for almost a solid year and you meet up with him again after five to talk about milk?” 

“I guess. He seemed really passionate about it.” 

Emma sighed and told him she’d think about it. Louis hoped that she meant the invitation and not the milk. As they sat down for dinner he tried not to think of either. By the time he was wearing his pajamas laying in bed he still had yet to read that text. He didn’t tell Emma about it even though he should have. It felt like something private. 

He opened the text hesitantly. “The get together is at five tomorrow. 17B Grimm Place. The code is 2514. Feel free to text me any questions!” That wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t anything that he’d have to pretend not to enjoy. It wasn’t anything that made him think of her. 

“Did he text you more details or something? You’ve got a weird look on your face.” 

Louis rolled over so he could see Emma reading over his shoulder. She nodded without further comment. She still hadn’t told him what she thought about going or any of it really. When she fell asleep, Louis was still awake thinking about it. He felt like he didn’t have the right to be friends with them. They were four years older than him. They had lives and experience that he couldn’t ever compare with. 

Still when he was sure that Emma was sleeping solidly beside him he crawled out of bed. Under the bed was a little shoe box. It was mostly just baby things, like he told his best friend it was, but under everything in a drawstring bag there were a couple tubes of Watermelon Sugar by High Cosmetics. One of them had been opened, but the other had never been opened. Next to it was the off brand version of Sabrina’s perfume. He also had a picture he’d drawn. It was him with long blond hair hugging Harry the way he looked in high school. He was such a bad artist, if he hadn’t drawn it he wouldn’t know what it was supposed to be. 

He opened the tube of lip gloss and put a tiny bit on his lips. He could remember the first time he’d tried it. He wanted to buy the shirt Sabrina was wearing, but it was a namebrand and just too expensive so his mom had compromised and bought him four tubes of lip gloss instead. He’d waited until he was locked in his bed room to try it on smearing a tiny bit on his bottom lip to rub in. He’d almost used the whole tube by the end of the week. 

His father had been pissed. He’d tried to throw it away, but his mom didn’t let him. There was no harm in it, she’d said. Louis tried to tell himself the same thing as he sprayed the perfume on the picture and smelled it. He didn’t want to accidentally smell exactly like Harry’s girlfriend when he showed up at his house tomorrow, if he went. 

“Louis?” 

The man in question jolted in shock stuffing the stuff back into the box and then shoving the box back under the bed. He replied some nonsense before crawling back into bed. Emma wrapped her arms around his waist from behind pressing her body to his. She’d really grown into her smile with a full figure and her skin settling into a nice warm brown. Louis tried to enjoy it as much as Harry’s hand on his, but it just didn’t feel the same. 

“Let’s go tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be good for you. It’ll bring you closure.” 

“What if I don’t get closure? What if I just get hurt?” 

“Then you’ll heal and we’ll move on.” 

Louis nodded, “Okay. Love you.” 

“Love you too babe.” 

When the pair woke up there was a smear of lip gloss on Louis’ pillow that they both didn’t talk about. They just got dressed and ate breakfast in silence. Emma had a class and Louis had a job interview for a second job so they parted ways with a gentle kiss to get them through the day. 

Louis returned first. Emma always made sure to have warm food and a clean house when he got home from working so after he set down his bag he set to work. They didn’t need food because hopefully the event would have some so instead he cleaned. There wasn’t much to do, but everything he cleaned was spotless by the time her key turned in the door. He smelt like bleach, but Emma still giggled and nearly lifted him off his feet in a hug the minute he walked into view. 

“Louis, you’re never gonna believe what just happened to me!” She squealed. 

“What? What? What?” He laughed. 

“This guy bumped into me on campus. I spilt everything everywhere, but he helped me pick it all up. Turns out that he’s an engineering major too and he told me that he knew the best internships because his friend is a carpenter. This carpenter friend has a workshop every six months where he teaches engineering majors about the fields that their degree covers. Which means that if I could get in that workshop and then from there get a recommendation for an internship that means that in two years when I graduate I could potentially already have a six figure job!” 

Louis’ head spun, “So you met a guy who knows a guy who knows about engineering jobs that will help you get a job in engineering?” 

“Yes!” She jumped around forcing him to dance with her, “Louis, you could go to college NEXT YEAR if I can get a job like that.” 

Louis choked and started dancing with her. He wanted to go to college so bad. He had an assistant job, but a college degree meant that he could be an editor. He could edit the next New York Best Seller. He could finally do something that his father could be proud of. 

After they’d calmed down Emma helped him pick out clothes for the get together. She looked effortlessly beautiful so it took her three seconds to choose a classy, but semi casual blouse and a pair of sensible heels to go with it. Louis on the other hand had his ever present delima. He had a small cache of androgynous clothing that could be mistaken for girl’s clothes that he prefered to wear. Then he had a bunch of good clothes that highlighted his masculinity. He could never choose. 

Emma ended up choosing a nice androgynous blouse with a more masuline pair of pants and shoes. It was always a balancing act in his head. Was this gay? I love this top, but will people know that it was made for women? He couldn’t relax for a second. 

The house that Harry had told them to go to was a beautiful green townhouse that looked like it cost three times the friend’s humble rent. The code that they were given wasn’t for the door it was for the gate that surrounded the house. They had an impressive garden and a long walk way that looked like it had been placed by hand out of large stones. The care that went into the appearance of the yard was obvious. 

“Wow they look fancy. I remember Sabrina being one of the more well off kids, but this is just ridiculous.” Emma commented. 

Louis frowned, “Don’t insult them. Their yard is beautiful.” 

“I wasn’t insulting them babe. I was just saying I didn’t realize they had money like this.” 

“Okay.” He turned to look at his friend. “I’m sorry I think I’m just sensitive. I didn’t mean to be a snappy cat.” 

“Oh, babe the thought that you could insult anyone is amusing to me. You’re the most sweet, beautiful, loving, caring…”

She punctuated each compliment with a kiss even as his cheeks got redder and he giggled at the tickling sensation. She nearly chased him all the way to the door slamming one last kiss on his cheek as the door opened. Harry opened the door smiling. Emma blushed when he raised an eyebrow same as Louis. 

“Is this where I join in?” He asked. 

Louis could just die where he stood. It was bad enough that his best friend treated him like a baby, now he was going to have Harry thinking he liked being infantilized or something. He was a grown man who paid his own bills and solved his own problems. Most of the time anyways. 

“Hi, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Emma. I’m Louis’ best friend.” 

Emma stuck her hand out for a shake, but laughed in surprise when she was pulled into a tight hug. Louis was next. He wanted to melt into the man’s skin and stay there forever. His head couldn’t even see over his shoulder when he was in his arms. It occurred to him that Sabrina was quite a bit taller than him. He wondered if Harry liked that better. Someone more equal. 

“I’m Harry. I just happened to run into Louis yesterday and I swear Sabrina talks about him so much I felt like I knew him. We had a great conversation!” 

Louis looked up at him in awe. He’d thought their conversation was great? Emma looked over and could practically see the heart shape taking form in his pupil. It was such a sad thing that such a loving man had been wronged so deeply by his father’s expectations. 

They followed the man inside his house and weren’t surprised to see the same attention and care for the inside as the garden. Everything seemed to follow a rural forest type theme. It was beautiful. Louis saw a picture of a huge manor on the wall and somehow he felt like he’d been there before. It reminded him of the connection he’d felt with the author of Real Life Sucks. It had been written almost forty years before he was born. 

Harry looked proud as they looked around in wonder. He began introducing them to other guests as he led them to the back yard. He had so many friends there was no way Louis could remember them all. When they got to the back yard the first thing Louis saw was Sabrina. She was wearing the most beautiful red dress covered in flowers. Her hair was braided back into a fancy bun and she was barely wearing makeup, but she was absolutely gorgeous. It made Louis’ heart ache as his eyes followed her around. 

Emma watched Harry deflate a little bit when he noticed Louis watch Sabrina. He didn’t look surprised, just a little defeated. He definitely didn’t look like someone who was watching his girlfriend being stared at by some creep. Even though he was cute, even Emma could admit that it was a little creepy. 

“So, you and Sabrina still going strong?” 

Harry couldn’t take his eyes off Louis, “No, we broke up years ago. We’re just very close friends.” 

Louis’ eyes snapped to Harry and then to Emma.”What? Why? She’s so…” Perfect? Everything he can’t be? More than anyone could compare to? 

“We had some creative differences. I enjoy a more soft yellow and sunflowers pressed into books type of feel. She likes it pink with frills and watermelon lip gloss. Nothing wrong with it, they just love differently if that makes sense.” He explained. 

Emma nodded, “Speaking of soft yellow, Louis it’s getting pretty nippy why don’t you put on your sweater.” 

“Emma! I can take care of myself.” 

“I know you can baby.” 

The pair walked over to a group of chairs while Harry went to talk to his other guests. Emma pulled the sweater out of his purse and helped him pull it over his head. She also pulled out a full water bottle prompting him to take a drink. Louis knew that she had a fully stocked purse at all times. He even had a stuffed toy in there somewhere. Em always took care of him. 

It wasn’t that he couldn’t be independant. He had emotional trauma as Emma called it. When something happened that instigated a large emotional response he just couldn’t handle it well or otherwise. He got overwhelmed easily and when that happened he just shut down. His mom had told him specifically to let her take care of him. “There is no shame in needing support, Louis.” 

When his father left she’d taken Emma aside and told her something. They both emerged from the room crying, but since then Emma had been the one thing in life he could always count on. She carried things like sweaters and water because he always forgot. She taught herself to cook because Louis hated eating and only she knew exactly what to make to get him to do it anyways. She knew every fault and feeling. She knew that the news of Sabrina and Harry’s break up would rattle him. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” She asked, rubbing his arm. 

“I just don’t understand. If he doesn’t like her then who does he like? What does he like?” 

“Ya know, I recognized that painting. That house was Chateau De El Elouise. She had five children by three different men. One of them was a prince, her husband. One was a scholar and the husband of her lover. The third was the prince’s lover who wasn’t a carrier. Back then carriers were considered women so they weren’t suspected of anything, they were weak, useless accessories to buy and sell. So when a carrier fell in love with the wife of a prince it was considered a homosexual relationship and frowned heavily upon. 

“Because the prince was also a homosexual who preferred the company of a D-Man he was upset to have to marry a carrier. He let the carrier and his lover live in a house in the countryside as long as he had an heir. When his oldest was born he was so taken by her beauty that he moved to the manor as well with his lover. El Elouise would go on to give other homosexual men the chance to have children. Those three are just the three we know about. There could have been a dozen. 

“Now we see homosexuality as any relationship between two men and it’s no longer frowned up for carriers and D-Class to have relationships within their grouping. It’s fine if a carrier prefers D-Women or D-Men or carriers or women. That’s the beauty of living in the time we live now. No one can choose who they love and no one can choose who they just don’t love. It doesn’t have to be complicated.” 

Louis leaned his head on her shoulder. She cooed and drew him in close for a hug. She almost wanted to roll her eyes. It was such a bizarre thing to be upset that the love of your life isn’t as in love with someone else as you made them out to be in your head. She’d been reading up on internalized homophobia. The fear of being gay or the hatred of gays as it pertains to themselves. Most weren’t against homosexuality except thier own. 

Louis looked so sweet and soft in his yellow jumper. When he’d settled down his emotions they’d rejoined the fray trying their best to find some common ground with Harry’s rich friends. There was a man who was trying to explain why it was the end of the world that his bathroom taps didn’t match the doorknob and why it was just cruel that his husband didn’t seem to care as much as he did. Everyone wanted to talk to him and after three conversations he wanted to go to sleep in the corner. 

He was so thankful when someone started playing the guitar drawing everyone’s attention away. The blonde man started to hum along and then his smooth voice crooned out the lyrics to an Ed Sheeran song. He started to walk through the crowd until he reached Louis and began singing to him. He blushed so deeply he thought he was going to burst into flames. By the time the song was over everyone was watching them. 

“Hello beautiful. My name is Niall.” The blonde introduced himself kissing the younger’s hand. 

“I’m Louis.” 

Niall smiled and started playing a different song. “Lou-miere over me.” 

Louis blushed even more deeply and jumped nearly out of his skin when Emma wrapped her arms around his neck from behind. She kissed his ear before letting him go and enjoying the show. The blonde didn’t seem too perturbed to be watched at all. When that song was done Harry called out that the food was ready and the guitarist swung his instrument to his back with a smile. 

“How do you guys know Harry?” He asked as they walked together inside. 

“We met him in high school. When Louis was the only fifteen year old Sophomore. My little genius.” Emma explained. 

She pinched his cheek gently. Louis never really thought about his intelligence. He’d skipped a grade when he was in seventh grade and graduated early on top of that. Emma didn’t mind at all if he’d wanted to go to college first so he could be an editor since she would have to wait anyways, but he insisted. He worked three jobs for the semester she was still in school and the summer after so they’d have money. She worked as hard as she could on getting the best grades. Her little genius of course insisted that he help on every assignment too. 

“I wasn’t that smart, I just absorb information well.” Louis corrected. 

Niall smiled, “Sounds like you’re trying to sell yourself short. You should brag. I bet you’re the smartest person I’m going to meet at this party. You’re already the two most beautiful faces.” 

Emma giggled. The three grabbed plates of food and found a place to sit in the corner of the living room with the picture of the Chateau De El Elouise hanging over their heads. The conversation flowed easily. Louis was surprised to find out that the blonde was a fellow carrier with a wife who was home taking care of their two year old son. He was a recording artist at the recording studio that Harry owed (Louis nearly fainted) so his presence was mandatory. He also mentioned that he was a dear friend of the man in question. 

Harry was walking around making sure that everyone had everything they needed wearing a bright pink apron. He had tied his hair into a bun on the back of his head. Louis had done so good not staring at him while he was entertaining guests, but when confronted with the man he couldn’t peel his eyes away. He barely noticed when Sabrina entered his field of vision. 

Emma wrapped a protective hand around his wrist and Niall’s back straightened as he watched the exchange. He was prepared to defend Sabrina if they had some sort of problem with her and vice versa. Sabrina just smiled. Louis nearly melted in his seat. He had spent so long thinking that she was this infallible angel that he had to compare to. He wondered if her lips still tasted like Harry or if it had been too long since they last kissed. 

“Louis! Emma! I didn’t even see you come in. How is the party so far?” 

“It’s been really fun. We’ve met loads of new people. Including Niall here. I was just thinking about asking to see some pictures of his son.” Emma responded easily. 

“Oh, I just love little baby Joseph. He does the cutest thing with his little lips when he tries to give kisses. Little fishy face. Has he told you how he met Babs yet?” 

Louis put his hand over Emma’s when the woman sat down with them. Her plate of food balanced on her knee and a wide smile graced her beautiful face. Louis couldn’t stop staring at the way her blue eyes sparkled. She just looked so happy. How could she be happy to not be the one that Harry took to bed every night. How could she not be miserable? 

Niall chuckled, “Well, I was busking from my van. I would open the side door and sit there for hours before going back to this RV park to sleep. I did that every single day and one day on her way to work she heard me play. I thought she was a freaking angel, she was so beautiful. She actually brought Harry to listen to me play one day and he gave me a record deal on the spot. I was selling out venues in London by the end of the year. When she told me she liked me I thought she was joking. We had only been dating like three months when I got pregnant. She literally pulled out a ring and told me that by the time Seph would be born I would be wearing it and she was right. We’ve been together ever since.”

“You should have been there. It was like watching a fairy tale unfold. Only Liam and Zayn’s story can top it.” Sabrina turned and searched the room. “Zayn! Come here!” 

A heavily pregnant man made his way over being followed by a huge muscular man who looked ready to have a heart attack. When Zayn almost kicked a cabinet he flinched and tried to carry the man the rest of the way. The pregnant man brushed away his hands and finished the trek with a frown. 

“Sabrina, will you tell this man that I am not made of glass? I can walk across the room without help.” Zayn complained. 

“Yesterday you tried to climb up a ladder to clean the gutters.” Sabrina chuckled, “I was telling Emma and Louis about how you guys met. It always sounds so magical when you tell it.” 

Zayn laughed and sat down in the chair his husband provided. The husband, presumably Liam, sat down on the floor next to them and smiled up at his husband. It reminded Louis of the way his mom used to smile at his sister's father before he passed away. He couldn't imagine someone staring at him with such love. 

"I was a little punk in high school. I got in a ton of fights because I was small so I had to be scrappy. It was a bad neighborhood, ya know? So, one day I'm walking through this alley to get to my part time job and I find these guys beating someone up. I couldn't stand bullies so I walked over and I'm like, 'Hey, assholes! Come get a piece of this instead.' right? They started to rush me and I didn't even have time to blink before this guy jumped out of nowhere! He knocked one of them out in a single punch! The other ran so we went to check on the guy who was getting beat up. 

"I didn't think anything of it, but I kept in contact with the guy who was getting beat up. His name was Josh and he was my best friend for seven years. I eventually ran into Liam again at a store and someone tried to rob this old lady in the parking lot. Of course, Mr. White Knight rushed the guy to get her purse back and ended up getting stabbed. I stayed with him when he went to the hospital. I don't know why, but I'm so glad I did. When he woke up he said, 'This fucking sucks! I friggin' died?' 

"He thought I was an angel who came to collect his soul. I blame it on the drugs, but he insists that it was because I was so beautiful. We didn't start dating until after we'd both graduated. That's a different story, but when he finally asked me to be him he gave me a locket that said, 'This fucking sucks.' we waited until this year to get pregnant." 

Zayn's expression turned sad. His husband grabbed his hand and held it tight. "Josh was in a really bad car accident and the last thing he saw before he succumbed to his injuries was my positive pregnancy test. We're gonna name them Josiah or Elaine after his mother. I just wish he could see them." 

Louis had tears in his eyes, "I'm sure he's watching from heaven right now. He'll be their personal guardian angel." 

Liam reached out and patted his hand in thanks. "So when did you two get together?" 

"Oh, we're not together. Emma practically raised me when my father passed away. It would be too weird." Louis blushed. 

"How did she raise you? You're only a year apart." Sabrina laughed. 

Louis blushed even deeper in embarrassment. Emma felt her metaphorical fur bristle in discontentment as she wrapped her arms around her best friend's shoulders. It had always been tough for Louis to take care of himself. She had been asked specifically by his mother to care for him. She couldn't do it. She could barely go on until she met her daughter's dad. 

"Age doesn't always matter in that regard. I took care of him and I always will." 

There was a veiled threat in there somewhere. Sabrina seemed to notice. She cleared her throat awkwardly waiting for someone else to speak. Niall seemed to take that as his cue to start playing his guitar again. Everyone stopped to listen. Louis took the chance to occupy his mouth with his food. 

Harry had served a beautiful meal of chicken and mashed potatoes. The carrier nibbled at it hesitantly. He really didn't like to eat anything except Emma's cooking. She knew what he liked and what would entice him. He was still too thin despite it. She watched him nibble on the meal carefully counting how many bites he took and measured how much he ate. They both knew that if he didn't eat enough to satisfy her she would be cooking as soon as they got home. 

He found he enjoyed the taste and took slightly larger bites. He had nearly finished one side of the chicken leg when Harry drifted over. Liam and Zayn gave him happy greetings and compliments on the food while Sabrina remained silent. Louis stopped eating as soon as he came into view. Sabrina was model skinny. Harry would probably be disgusted to see him get too fat. 

"Hey guys! I'm so sorry I kind of left you to fend for yourself earlier. I didn't expect such a good turn out I almost ran out of food! I hope you're enjoying the party." He said sitting down next to his ex. 

"We've made some great new friends!" Emma told him gesturing to the small crowd they'd formed. 

"I'm glad. I only hang out with the best, so I knew you'd fit in just fine." 

Harry winked at Louis and the younger's stomach turned so violently he thought he'd throw up. He was so beautiful when his face turned red that Harry couldn't resist. Niall took notice of the exchange and started strumming a love song. Harry leaned over and smacked his knee which only served to make the blonde laugh and strum faster. Harry had talked his ear off all night about how he'd run into the most beautiful man he'd ever seen. "Accidentally on purpose" he'd called it. 

"I think I should be getting this one home actually. It was so wonderful of you to invite us, but it's getting late and Lou has an early morning." Emma gave Sabrina a glance, but smiled at Harry widely. 

Louis didn't have an early morning unless he stayed up too late and slept until three in the afternoon, but it was getting late. She didn't want him to get overwhelmed. He had been bombarded with what he considered terrible news and a lot of new faces. 

"Are you sure you have to go? People are leaving so I was thinking my close friends could stay for a glass of wine. I'd love to catch up more with you both." Harry practically begged. 

Emma looked and saw that people were indeed leaving. Even Zayn and Liam were getting to their feet. She reluctantly agreed with Louis' silent approval. Harry seemed pleased enough for all three of them. 

The group, with the exception of the couple who left, traveled into Harry's private living room. He'd called the area where everyone had been sitting his drawing room which must have been a rich person thing because Louis has never heard of it. In the living room there were three tall bookshelves and a wine shelf all of them filled to the brim. Harry chose the wine and poured everyone a glass. Only Niall refused. 

Sabrina struck up a conversation with Harry leaving Emma to check up on her best friend. He was still a little red in the cheeks so she checked for a fever before handing him his glass. She tucked him into her shoulder which he gladly laid into to watch the former couple talk. 

He just didn't understand. If Sabrina wasn't his type then could he… no, that was impossible. He watched the man's lips form words and wondered if they would look like that if they kissed. Louis took a full of the wine to distract himself from trying to imagine it. He hadn't exactly been kissed often so he didn't know what it would feel like to be kissed like he'd seen him kiss Sabrina. 

By the time their first glass of wine was finished Harry had migrated so close to Louis that the carrier could almost feel the breath that escaped when he spoke on his leg. If Harry wanted he could've lay his head on Louis' leg. He could have turned his head half an inch and kissed it. 

Louis took off his sweater and laid his head on Emma's lap. They had all decided to stay the night so they could drink as they pleased and just go home in the morning. Sabrina lived in the townhouse that was attached to Harry's so she'd decided to just walk home and sleep on her own bed. Something about Emma's protectiveness had scared her a bit. Still, they had all talked easily through the night until they began dropping off to sleep where they sat. 

"So, Louis what's your aesthetic?" Harry asked, watching him with blurry eyes. 

It was already past midnight, "What do you mean?" 

"My aesthetic is yellow. Sunflowers, sitting in a library for hours, listening to music in a field of daisies, a cafe with a view of the park, and stuff like that. You?" Harry smiled and grabbed the younger's dainty ankle. 

"I guess mine would be like fresh sheets, a sweater that's worn and soft, reading by the window when it's raining out, using pressed flowers as bookmarks, and working at a publishing house." 

"I really like your aesthetic. We're so similar in a way that's not boring, ya know? We could talk for hours I bet." 

Louis giggled, "Harry I think you're drunk. We have been talking for hours." 

"What have we talked about?" Harry asked in surprise. 

"We talked about our plans for tomorrow, our jobs, our favorite high school memories, and what you and Sabrina have been up to since we talked last." 

"Whoa, that's a lot of stuff Little Louis." 

He felt giddy, "Little Louis?" 

"When I first saw you it was like you were a child, but now you're all growed up. But you're still so little. Is your mom half dwarf on her father's side?" 

"No, but my dad was half Irish on his mother's side." 

"Niall is Irish and so is the husband of… oh fuck. What's his name? I dunno. He wrote this book I love." 

Harry used Louis' legs to pull himself to his feet. He took his hand and pulled him from Emma's sleeping grip. They stumbled together until they reached a bedroom. It had an expansive bed full of fluffy comforters and white pillows. Louis wanted to flop down and revel in it. The walls were lined with even more bookshelves. He didn't even know that this many books could exist together outside of libraries and bookstores. 

Harry handed Louis a pristine copy of Real Life Sucks with a smile. He prattled on about the author and how it was technically his third book, but it was the only one he wrote under his birth name. Louis was so distracted holding the book like it was a gift from God. It was like someone in heaven was looking down trying to push him toward Harry with signs. 

He stared up at Harry in awe. The man in question didn't even notice he just kept handing the younger books. Louis had read and loved every single one of them. Harry called them his "book friends" explaining why he loved them. When Harry finally stumbled into his chest knocking the books down their eyes met. 

Harry's brighty and blurry eyes turned lidded with desire as he stared down at him. He couldn't help himself as he wrapped his arms around the smaller's thin waist drawing him in close. Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's neck. He thought it'd feel different. He thought it'd be more cold, but his skin burned when Harry's lips pressed against his. 

He felt as if he didn't know how to kiss, but Harry made it easy. He moved so slow, so focused. He felt a full body shiver and unwittingly released a moan when their tongues touched. Harry put his hand on Louis' ass and lifted him until his legs were wrapped around his waist. He couldn't tell how long they'd been kissing, but Harry carried him to the bed and time completely stopped. 

He didn't think about his father or being not being gay. He thought only of pleasure as Harry pushed into him. When they finally collapsed together, sated, his only thought was sleeping next to Harry. He had imagined being between these sheets so many times in secret. His fantasies were nothing compared to the real thing. 

When Emma woke him up and dragged him out of Harry's bed in the morning he didn't even think to question why he ended up there. He just slipped on his clothes and followed her out the door saying sleepy goodbyes to Niall who was already awake. They walked to Emma's car in silence. 

"What were you doing in Harry's bed? Naked." She finally asked as they pulled into their apartment parking lot. 

Memories flooded his mind. His face burned in shame. There was no way he could tell his best friend that he'd lost his virginity to a man. If his father was watching from heaven he must be mortified to know that his son had committed such an act. He had moaned so loud in Harry's ear. Harry had held him so gently. 

"We were talking about books, but we were both pretty drunk so I probably got hot and stripped. I don't really remember." 

She didn't look like she believed him, but she dropped the subject. They had a lovely breakfast of eggs that he promptly threw up. He had drank alcohol before, but he had gotten more drunk than he'd ever even wanted to before. He felt so ashamed of his behavior that he hid in his room until his doctor's appointment. 

The weeks after Harry's party passed in a blur of work. His assistant job was more demanding than he thought it would be. It left him no time for get-togethers at Harry's or long movie nights with Emma. He was so tired that he'd barely even texted him. He'd taken out his box and thought about that night more times than he could count while Emma was sleeping away clueless. 

The beginning of the end was when he started getting sick. He would eat a quick breakfast only to throw it up before he could make it out the door. Emma scheduled him a doctor's appointment, but he was too busy to go. His job didn't allow for sick days. If the boss was in, he was in. 

Louis threw up three times one Tuesday. He was so weak he didn't think he'd make it to the car let alone on his feet all day, but he forced himself to go to work anyway. Emma called the doctor as soon as he walked out the door. She scheduled an appointment for when Louis usually took his lunch. He didn't even warn him. She just showed up with a smile and asked his boss personally if he could take a long lunch. 

They drove together in silence. When they reached the doctor's office he rolled his eyes, but didn't argue. Emma knew best. He tried not to be sarcastic when he answered the doctor's questions. He only paused briefly when the man asked if he was sexually active. One mistake weeks ago didn't count as far as Louis was concerned. 

The doctor seemed confused as Emma listed all the symptoms she'd noticed and ordered a pee test. Lou hated pee tests. It was so gross to think of someone playing with his pee to find out what was wrong with him. He decided he hated pee tests even more when the doctor wheeled in an ultrasound machine. 

"No, it's not possible." He said resolutely covering his stomach. 

"The test came back positive, but this is just to make sure. Pee tests can be wrong." He responded with a placating smile. 

Louis watched Emma's face with fear. If he was pregnant she would put the pieces together that he'd slept with Harry. She wasn't dumb. She knew he was a virgin. The closest he'd ever been to sex as far as she knew was falling asleep naked next to Harry. Except, he wasn't a virgin because he hadn't just fallen asleep naked. 

He laid back and lifted his shirt. He made sure to keep his eyes away from the ultrasound's screen. He didn't know which would hurt more. Would it be if he had disappointed his father even more thoroughly by getting pregnant by a man? Would it be to see an empty womb and realize that he'd probably never have children? 

"Okay, Louis it looks like the pee test wasn't wrong. You're very early on in the pregnancy. It looks like maybe three or four weeks. I'll send in a nurse to go over your options with you while you discuss with your girlfriend." 

Louis glanced at the screen holding the plastic thingy over his stomach so he could still see his baby. It was just a tiny bundle of cells. It didn't even wiggle on screen as he wanted in fear and surprise. He didn't dare look at anything else. 

Emma was watching the screen with tears in her eyes. She pressed her fingers to her mouth so she didn't cry. Her little lou was pregnant? She had guessed, of course she did, when he threw up the first time. No way did her Louis "fall asleep and strip because it was hot" next to the man he'd been practically in love with since high school. It was still such a sight to see. That tiny black blip on the screen was going to grow into an even littler louis? 

"Are you mad at me?" Louis whispered tears forming in his eyes. 

"Louis, I've known that you were gay since you were thirteen and I caught you staring at a picture of Channing Tatum with drool on your chin. I've known you were in love with Harry Styles since you walked into that cafe and tried to be his girlfriend so hard it showed down to the littlest finger that you wanted him. I know you better than I know myself and I have never, ever been mad at you for that." 

Louis sobbed, "Emma I'm so scared." 

She wrapped her arms around him and let him cry into her chest. When the nurse came in she politely sat a stack of pamphlets on the counter leaving the room. Her heart broke for her best friend. There was always this giant breakdown coming in the back of her mind. She hadn't factored in an accidental baby, but she'd been preparing their whole friendship. When his cries turned into sniffles she held him at arm's length so she could see his beautiful eyes. 

"I know what your father said. What he asked you, but I need to ask you to do something too." She said as strong as she could muster, "I need you to be okay with being gay. Okay?" 

"I don't know how to do this. My father must be looking down from heaven hating me. Emma, how can I live against his wishes? How can I do that to him?" 

"You do it by loving Harry and loving your baby. It's so easy babe. I promise it's so easy." 

When the pair got back to their apartment Louis tried to imagine a baby. He could see it sleeping in a bassinet by his bed. He could see a little toddler with Harry's curls crawling away from him at bed time. He smiled to himself as he thought about raising a baby boy. He wanted to name him Charles. Maybe Charles Edward. 

He's just barely come to terms with the baby when Emma was dragging him to the car. She made him promise that before the surprise and all the other emotions of finding out he was pregnant faded he would tell Harry. She wanted them to experience it together. Harry had talked about kids briefly. He was so jealous that all his friends had beautiful babies, but he'd assured them that he would wait until he found the perfect match. Emma watched him say that staring at Louis. Harry would want to be a part of every second of the pregnancy. She was sure. 

She anticipated a lot more crying and maybe even an offer for Louis to move in. Maybe they weren't in love. Maybe it was just an obsession, but she had no doubt that with time it would turn into love. They were soulmates. She'd never been more sure of anything in her life. 

Louis looked pale as she knocked on the door for him. When Harry swung open the door with a wide smile he covered his mouth. Emma pointed him to the grass and watched with concern as he emptied his stomach. Harry was by his side an instant rubbing his back. When he was done throwing up he picked him up and carried him to the bathroom. 

"There's an extra toothbrush there and some toothpaste behind the mirror. I'm gonna get you a water bottle." He told him brushing past Emma to retrieve it. 

Emma sat on the toilet as Louis brushed his teeth. Harry returned carrying a water bottle that he pressed to Louis' hand. His face was all screwed up with worry. It made Emma smile. 

"I'm fine I promise," Louis told him, "Sorry to barge in and puke everywhere. I just wanted to talk to you…" 

"You're always welcome here. Hell, move in if you want to!" Harry joked back. 

When Louis' teeth were brushed and the water bottle was half empty they all moved to the living room. He focused on a stack of books that Harry had placed on the little table next to the couch. It was all the books they'd talked about. The night his baby had been conceived. He could see stems sticking out from the bottom. Harry was using pressed flowers as bookmarks. 

"Would you like a glass of wine or anything else to drink? Beer? Juice?" 

"No, thank you. We no longer drink alcohol." Emma told him with a polite smile. 

Harry frowned as he sat down across from them in a chair, "Is this because of… what happened?" 

Louis wanted to puke again at the look of sadness and fear that crossed Harry's face. Emma seemed to notice and rubbed his back soothingly. His morning sickness had gotten so bad it was all the damn time sickness. He had to force himself to eat more and more to keep his baby healthy.

"Kind of?" Louis swallowed harshly, "Harry I'm-" 

He was on his feet running back to the bathroom before he could even finish his sentence. He had nothing left in his stomach. All that came out was bile that burned the back of his throat. 

"Oh my God. You're pregnant." 

Louis didn't even notice Sabrina come into the bathroom. He just heaved again, spitting out more bile at her words. He could smell her perfume. He used to dream of that smell. He would fantasize about Harry smelling it and mistaking him for her. Now, it caught in his nose and made him gag. Baby did not like that perfume. 

"Your perfume. Goodness gracious, please leave!" He sobbed. 

It smelt so disgusting. He sobbed into the toilet. Emma was there holding him as he cried. How was he supposed to raise a child? How was he supposed to be gay? 

"Emma, I can't do this!" 

"You're doing this. You're going to be an amazing mother. Harry will take care of you and so will I. I'm not going anywhere. You're going to love this baby no matter if it's gay, straight, trans, a carrier, or a D-Class." 

Louis nodded, "If it's a little girl I'm going to name it after you." 

"I always liked the name Joan. Emily Joan is a good name for a little girl." 

Louis looked up to see Harry standing in the doorway. He looked wrecked with tears streaming down his face. A little smile played at his lips as Sabrina watched from a distance. Emma helped him to his feet and wiped his tears. 

"Your baby is making me so sick! You don't get to help name her." He joked. 

Harry let out a sob and wrapped his arms around the younger man. Harry's scent soothed his stomach. It was like his baby was screaming, "This is what I wanted! I wanted my dad!" Louis still had to fight the urge to pull away. Harry's arms were so warm though. Why should a girl get to fit into these arms and he shouldn't? It felt too right. 

They went back to the living room with Harry pressed to Louis'side like he was trying to meld them together. Sabrina stayed a distance away, but watched with a wide smile. Emma watched her carefully. She got a vibe from the woman that she wasn't as happy-go-lucky as she portrayed herself. 

"I'm really happy for you guys." She said, "You guys really are perfect for each other." 

Emma followed her as he walked deeper into the house leaving Louis and Harry whispering happily. She found her sitting on a chair in Harry's room. She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye, throwing on a smile when she noticed the other woman. 

"What's your problem?" Emma asked harshly. 

"I don't know what you mean." 

"You pretend to be this happy angel of peace and love, but you're dying inside. I've known Louis for long enough to know the signs." 

Sabrina crossed her arms, "Do you know why Harry and I broke up?" 

Emma sat down on the corner of Harry's bed and waited for her to continue. The blonde tied up her hair quickly. She watched her carefully as she spoke. 

"We found out the year after we graduated that I wasn't fertile. I'm a D-Class. It broke Harry's heart, but he would never break up with me because I couldn't give him biological children. He'd talk about adoption and helping less fortunate kids while just staring at these couples who had kids that looked just like them. When Joseph was born that was my breaking point. He looks just like Barbara. They could seriously be twins. 

"Harry came home and he just broke down. He'd been dreaming of his little look alike since before he even knew he was D-Class. He would have carried his own children for half a chance. I don't know if it was the fact that he was this awkward teen that everyone made fun of and he wanted a chance to… I don't even know, but that was his dream and I ripped it away from him. 

"My mom told me that some people just aren't cut out for adoption, but I didn't listen because I love Harry. I love him so much. I love him so much that I moved into the second house and broke it off. I told him that when he finally got someone he loved pregnant his baby would be beautiful and he blossomed like a flower finally in the right soil to be free of the burden that is my infertility. He got exactly what he wanted and I get to love him from a distance because his child hates the smell of my perfume." 

"Did you know that Louis has a bottle?" Emma asked. "He keeps it under the bed. He thinks I don't know about it, or the tubes of watermelon lip gloss, or the drawings he made of himself with long blonde hair. He wanted what you had so badly that he stopped eating to be skinny like you. He nearly killed himself for half a chance to get Harry to look at him the way he looks at you. I think you should change your perfume and get over yourself." 

Sabrina choked, "What?" 

"Harry looks at you the same way he did four years ago in high school. He still loves you. He just hasn't ever been really in love with you. You aren't in love with him either. Deep down you know that. When you find real love you're going to kick yourself for crying over someone you just aren't compatible with. Be his friend, change your perfume, and get over yourself." 

Louis had been so obsessed with Harry that he'd tried to be her to get close to him. That was so creepy it was almost cute. If he'd started cutting off locks of her hair or stalking her that might be a different story, but she could imagine little fourteen year old Louis putting on her lip gloss and imagining himself kissing Harry. She'd never done that. She'd just always expected the kisses. Maybe… Maybe she wasn't really in love with him. He was just always there. 

The two of them sprayed one of Harry's various body sprays all over her before walking back into the living room. Harry was talking to Louis' stomach as the little one slept away on the couch. He didn't even look up as they entered the room. He just pressed a tiny kiss to the skin over his baby and kept on talking to them. Emma gave Sabrina a nod and went to sit by her best friend. 

-

Charles Asriel Styles was born on the 19th of October. Emma brought her boyfriend, Eddy, and Harry's mom and sister were there too. Louis looked beautiful with his face all puffy with tears as he and Harry looked down on their son. When Louis was commanded to get some rest and the little boy was taken by the nurse to get some tests done Sabrina stole Harry away. 

"It's been ten months since you and Louis got together. Do you still love him?" She asked softly. 

Harry smiled at her. "I love him so much. I love THEM so much. I thought for so long that all I wanted was a baby that looked just like me, ya know? Someone that I could teach all the things I wished someone had taught me. Someone to continue my legacy, but when I look at him all I see is Louis. I wouldn't change it for the world. I think we're gonna make it. I think this is it for me." 

Sabrina smiled happily. She thought it would hurt, but she just felt proud of her friend. Being friends with Emma was humbling. She fooled everyone with the way she treated Louis. When he wasn't around she was a total hardass who didn't tolerate any bullshit. She'd snapped Sabrina out of so many funks and pulled her head out of her ass so many times there was no way the woman would be nearly as successful without her. 

Sabrina was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She was also going to be a groom's maid for Harry. They'd formed a little family. None of them ever felt out of place. Charlie was going to only make them all stronger. 

-

Louis couldn't remember who started the fight. Maybe it was when Louis got called into work and Harry made a snide comment about him cheating with his boss. Or maybe it was when Harry tripped over Louis' shoes because he was so tired when he got off work he just wanted to hold his baby boy. Either way his chest and throat burned from the screaming. 

"Why do you always do this? I just wanted to come home and be with my son!" 

"All you do is make a mess of everything you touch!" 

"All you do is drive me insane all the time!" 

"Why did we ever think this would work?" 

They had been going back and forth for hours. Charlie was with his Aunt Emma and his Aunt Brina. They'd barely managed to escape before the screaming started. When Louis caught Harry and Sabrina together it drove him crazy sometimes. They'd been together for almost two years and she was still Harry's best friend. 

Louis knew logically that they were never getting back together, but his heart just panicked. He just wanted to come home from work one day and not see his son and his boyfriend with the one woman who could take it all away from him. He hated the way Harry smiled at her. 

"I don't know why we thought this would work, Louis. You're a jealous, selfish, immature, ungrateful, disorganized, and just… just TERRIBLE boyfriend and an even worse mother!" 

Louis recoiled like he'd been slapped. He watched with tears in his eyes as he watched Harry realize what he'd said. Guilt flooded his face, but it was too late. Louis grabbed his shoes and left leaving the door open behind him. 

Emma was already on her way over, but he brushed her hand away as he got in his car. He backed out the drive ignoring every call of his name. He couldn't believe Harry would say that to him. It was every fear he'd ever had in a sentence. He was stupid and immature. He wasn't a good parent or a good partner. He wasn't clean or grateful. He was just a burden on everyone around him. 

He had no idea what love really was when he got with Harry. He had to learn slowly. He had to learn Harry's love language. Cleaning when he was home all day so Harry could relax. Finding a cool new flower to press in their shared books. Lighting the right candle when his lover wanted a bath. He'd taken the time and he'd learnt it all. 

He'd learned how to tell his boyfriend that he loved him without saying a word. It just got harder and harder as Charlie got older. He was in college now with Harry's support. He was still working at the publishing house as an assistant to a wonderful man, Ashton. He'd settled into his life and got too busy to say "I love you." He'd tried so hard to show it, but that fell to the side too sometimes. Just when he felt like he was ready to let go of the job and be with his boys, Harry would start some stupid fight and he'd just run back to work. 

He felt like he'd learned to say "I love you" to someone who spoke a different language. Harry didn't seem to hear him say, "I'm tired." He didn't understand when he shouted, "I need help." It was like living with a rose bush and he kept pricking his finger on the thorns. 

His eyes filled with tears as he drove aimlessly. For one small second he thought about putting everyone out of their misery and driving off a bridge. He was just a burden to everyone around him. He pictured little Charlie dressed in a tiny black suit to attend his funeral and pulled over to the side of the road. 

He couldn't help sobbing into the steering wheel. He looked over at the wrapped box on his passenger seat. He'd had a plan for the day. When Harry got home from work he was going to pile his family into the car and drive them to the coffee house where they'd reconnected. He was going to give Harry his present and watch as his face lit up. Now he was going to drive back to his house and hide the box. Any evidence he was going to hide away until he could deal with it. 

When he got back to the house Harry was waiting for him. He and Charlie were sitting on the porch talking. His green eyes were red rimmed and puffy. Louis tried not to let his heart break at the sight. He just scooped up the box and held it in his fist. What was he doing? Harry didn't love him anymore, so why was he doing this to himself? Why did he stay? 

He walked right past his boyfriend without even looking at them. Charlie's babble almost broke him, but he pushed through. When he got to his bedroom he locked the door. He climbed the ladder for the bookcase and shoved the box way toward the back of the case so it couldn't be seen. It would be better if he could shove himself back there, but he had gotten too fat to even fit. 

He laid down on the bed he shared with Harry and stared at the wall in front of him. Despite the lock it wasn't long before the door clicked open and Emma was setting his son down on the bed. They both crawled up until they could settle against his back with the baby sandwiched between the two adults. It was Charlie's favorite position to nap. His son was just like him, he loved to be cuddled. 

The thought started a fresh round of sobs. What if Harry stopped loving his son the same way he'd stopped loving Louis? Emma ran her fingers through his hair whispering sweet nothings to him until he calmed down. 

"Louis, what is going on with you two? You guys fight all the time now." She asked with concern. 

"I don't know what happened. Harry just doesn't love me anymore. I try so hard and he just doesn't care so I stop trying and he gets so mad. I don't know " 

"He didn't fall out of love with you, babe. He still looks at you like you're the world to him. It must be something else " 

"I think he's cheating on me. With Sabrina or someone else I don't know, but he is always so preoccupied. He's never alone when I come home. He never touches me anymore. He thinks I'm a terrible boyfriend and mother." He began to cry again, "Sometimes I think I should just leave. Charlie would be so much better off if I wasn't around to mess him up, but I love him so much! I love them both so much!" 

"Louis…" He hadn't even heard Harry come in. "Something did happen…" 

The carrier began to choke on sobs. He knew it! He knew that Harry had cheated. He didn't love him anymore and he wanted him gone. His stomach rolled. He barely had time to run to the bathroom before he was folded over puking out his lunch into the toilet. Harry tried to rub his back, but he pushed him away. 

"Stay the fuck away from me!" Louis screamed. 

Charlie cried loudly at the shout. Harry left Louis in the bathroom to pick up his son. The one year old still looked exactly like his mother. They had the same blue eyes and delicate features, but he had Harry's curls and dimples. "The important bits" Louis had called them. He drew on that image he kept in his mind of the first time Louis held their son. How beautiful they both looked, both of them crying. Ever since that day if Charlie heard his mother cry or vice versa the other would be crying soon after. They never fought around their son because the minute Louis started crying they were both crying. 

Louis couldn't stand to see his son cry so he would bottle everything in until he exploded. Harry tried so hard to keep from getting angry. He just tried so hard. He did everything he possibly could to show his boyfriend that he just wanted him around. He just wanted more time with the love of his life. He wanted to ask Louis to marry him. He wanted more children, but he was always working. 

Louis spent more time at work than anywhere else and he spent more time with that old fart, Ashton than he did with Harry. He was always so tired from college and working that he just ignored Harry most of the time. It was like Louis was too tired to love him and he just wanted more time. Especially since he's found out his mother was dying. Stage three breast cancer. Life was so short and he just wanted to spend what time he had left loving Louis. 

Harry couldn't get Charlie to settle down until he took him back to the front yard. The four bedroom townhouse had been in complete disarray when he'd bought it with Sabrina. They'd planned to fix it up and live in half while they rented out the other side to make up the cost of the property, but Harry fell too much in love. He'd spent so much time on the yard and the interior he couldn't imagine not being able to just walk in and see it. 

He felt justified in keeping all of it when he saw Charlie playing the flowers. This was their home, all of it. The fighting, the crying, the slowly dying inside. It was all his and in the end as long as he got Louis and his baby it was all worth it. He watched Emma walk up to them with Charlie still in his arms sniffling. 

"You cheated on my best friend?" 

"God, no. I could never be with someone else. I love Louis more than anything else except our son." Harry bit back. 

Emma crossed her arms. "Then what did you mean because Louis is in there dying inside because he thinks you slept with Sabrina." 

"My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last month. I have just been trying so hard to get Louis to spend more time at home. With me, with our son. He is resisting so hard when all I want is to spend time with my family before anyone else in my life dies and I'm left with nothing! God, why is he so hard to talk to?" Harry closed his eyes and shook his head. There was a deep ache in his chest, "Maybe we should just break up. I saw him more when he was pregnant and wouldn't let me call him my boyfriend than I do with him living in our home with our son." 

He wanted to scream. Who forgot to put a warning label on finding the love of your life? 

Louis slept in his bed with Charlie while Harry slept in one of the guest rooms with a baby monitor. They always slept with a baby monitor if they couldn't sleep with their son in their arms. When Louis was five months pregnant they'd read an article about SIDS. Children just dying in their sleep with no warning. It terrified the both of them. 

Harry had been fair in not flaunting his money where their son was concerned, but Louis had agreed they should splurge and get the best monitors on the market. He watched the screen with the sound turned all the way up as he tried to fall asleep. He could see Charlie's chest moving with his breath as he slept peacefully. He wasn't surprised to see Louis was wide awake still. 

He made brief eye contact with the monitor, "Can I have one moment to myself? Please?" 

"One. Not even a minute, Louis. Not today." He replied through the speaker. 

Louis sighed and clicked the camera off. He quickly jumped off the bed and climbed the ladder to retrieve the box he'd hidden up there. He clicked the camera back on carefully hiding the box out of sight. Harry sent a quick "Thank you. Good night." Through the speaker and then it was silent. 

Mindful of the camera, Louis opened the box and pulled the pregnancy test out. He was a bit grossed out by the fact he was literally holding a pee stick, but it was overshadowed by the overwhelming grief. Harry didn't want him anymore. He was going to have this child and Harry wouldn't want it. 

He was seriously thinking of quitting his job for a while. Ashton would understand. The old geezer loved Louis like a son and told him so all the time. He wanted to spend more time with his Charlie before the older had to compete with a newborn for his attention, but now he wouldn't have Harry's support. He'd have to keep working and drop out of school. Harry would never give him full custody of Charlie and he would never let Harry have it either so they'd have to work out babysitters and daycares. 

He'd have to handle all the stress and fear of a new child alone. If his son wasn't laying on the bed he would scream at the top of his lungs. Harry watched as Louis' shoulders shook. He'd retrieved something from one of his many hiding places and was crying over it. He hated himself for thinking so, but he was so glad he still had the ability to make Louis cry. The day they fought and Louis didn't cry would be the day he'd know the younger truly just didn't love him anymore. 

"Come here." He said through the speaker. 

"No, Harry. Just go to bed. I don't want to talk to you." 

"Please, my love. I'm begging you. Let me hold you." 

Louis nearly ran to the guest room. He dropped the test back in the box and threw it somewhere in his haste. He was sure he looked like shit. He'd been crying for hours, nearly all day. He nearly head-butted his boyfriend in his hurry to be in his arms. 

"Why don't you love me anymore? Why are you so mean?" He asked quietly, "I'm so tired of all these fights. It's not healthy." 

"I love you so much, Louis. I love you so much it hurts. I just want you to stop working so damn much and spend some time with your son!" Harry replied, "I want you to spend some time with me!" 

"Then why didn't you just talk to me? I have been planning to quit as soon as we talked about it. I'm so tired all the time it's killing me. I've been taking so many hours because I need to find Ashton a replacement." 

"My mom has cancer." 

Louis pulled back in his arms to see his boyfriend's face. Harry's mom was the most loving woman he'd ever met. She spent her every waking hour helping people or spending time with her grandson. To think that she was dying was a terrible, horrible thought. 

"What? Why didn't you tell me? We should be with her." 

Harry's face screwed up and he released a sob. There was so much doubt and fear and anger he'd forgotten what kind of person Louis was. Of course his first thought was to drop everything to support his mother. Of course it was. He was scrambling his brain to figure out how he'd ever thought Louis wasn't the best thing that ever happened to him. 

"I don't know what I'm doing, Lou. I'm just winging it. I don't know how to be a dad or a husband. I'm just winging it." 

"We'll figure it out together. If we mess up Charlie, we'll just do the opposite on this one." 

It took Harry a few seconds to realize what he'd said. He wiped his face and stared at his boyfriend in shock. Louis smiled shyly, apprehensive as he moved Harry's hand to his flat stomach. 

"Charlie is amazing, not even we could mess him up. This one is gonna be just the same." 

-

Anne's funeral fell on the Saturday before Harry's birthday. She had tried to fight and hold out until after she saw her son turn 27, but she was so tired. She had been able to hold her second grandson. Louis hoped that was enough to bring her peace as she passed on. Alex was the calmest baby either of them had ever met. Zayn's second child, little Kare-Bear, was a close second. The three month old barely even blinked, but Alex just stared in unfocused awe at everything around him. 

Louis teased his nose with the red rose he was in line to place on his mother in law's grave with a small smile. When he reached the pit that held her body he gave the rose a tender kiss. He tossed it inside then looked to the sky. 

"Anne, Mom, I know you're looking out for our boys. Your grandsons are gonna know that. They're gonna know their grandma loves them. I promise you." 

Harry smiled at him through his tears. He hugged him and Alex close, leading them to where Charlie sat with his Auntie Emma. The three year old was getting so big. Louis kissed his head. 

They'd gone to couples therapy for months before they'd decided to go to Harry's mother's place. Harry did most of his work from home and Louis found a replacement assistant for Ashton. Emma and Eddy came to visit almost every weekend they were there, but she couldn't make it down on the weekend Anne passed. 

They were thinking of going back to the townhouse, but Harry needed to feel close to his mom and handle his family. Louis was proud to be there by his side. He'd been so strong the whole way through. He only hoped he'd managed to help him. They still fought some times, but it was small things. Things like what Alex's middle name would be or what color socks to put on Charlie. 

They were still in love. Louis had overheard Harry talking to Sabrina. When Alex was born she'd pulled him aside and asked, "Are you still in love?" 

"I find a new thing or I rediscover an old thing I'd forgotten to love about Louis every day. When we fight even if it's small I want to grovel at his feet and beg him not to get over me. He raised our children so well they're going to the prime ministers of England before they're in first grade. Sometimes he puts this stuff on his face that's green and goopy and he looks like a swamp troll. It makes me want to get him pregnant again. He's so goofy. My heart literally reminds me of Louis when it beats because he's so full of life. I've never been more in love ever." He'd said. 

The second he'd returned to the room with his arm locked around Sabrina's Louis had told him how much he loves him. Harry drove him literally insane every second of every day. He could barely handle it, but he wanted to. 

-

He stood up and thanked his father in his wedding speech. "Thank you for making me so afraid of you that I followed your rules long after you died and left me alone. It forced me to wait for the only man I've ever been in love with and the only man I will ever be in love with. It forced me to be so thankful someone came along that gave me everything I dreamed of when I thought I would never be loved. So, thank you father. Your hatred of who I am made me the man with two beautiful sons and this wedding ring given to me from someone who taught me how to love me." 

-

When Harry died he was sixty three. He died in his sleep with his arms wrapped around his husband. Louis felt his heart stop as he laid awake. He'd been sick for years, but in the past few months he'd been so sick he couldn't leave his bed. His hair had turned grey and he'd shaved it off. Louis had watched his eyes dull and held him when his legs stopped working. 

When Louis' vision started to go he held his hand and led him around the house. He'd described his grandchildren to his husband with such care and attention to detail. The carrier's hands shook so hard he'd hold them steady so the babies didn't slip from them. They still fought like cats and dogs sometimes, but every night they'd go to sleep together after calling Charlie and Alex. 

When Louis died he was fifty nine. His heart crumbled into pieces and stopped working when he felt his husband die.

**Author's Note:**

> I, RaneBeau of House Gold, do solemnly swear that the second part to Real Life Sucks will be posted as soon as I finish moving! I have not forgot you! 
> 
> This is a completely finished work so instead of commenting if you'd like more comment if I should get a Twitter so you can vote on which stories I post and maybe even send me prompts! 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this one shot and I will post again soon!


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